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Yes, arrgh, pictures are not up yet! Baka, baka internet. I can never seem to wait for my pics to upload nicely before I get cut off and I actually have to type all my posts on word first before posting it up straight away when my internet finally works! I just caught Fast and Furious 4 and hoo boy, NOW I find Paul Walker hot! Never did think he was good looking until the movie ended. The movie wasn’t too bad actually haha...I did enjoy watching it with my mum and my mum seemed pretty into it as well! HAHAHA!! And I turned to her after the movie, not wanting to ahem, expose my newest obsession and said my friend found him so good looking after watching the movie. Which was true! Jo Eve could not stop gushing about him aites! My mum immediately responded : Yes, its true! He’s very, very good looking, his eyes are really nice! And she said it in such an excited tone. OMG! Who would have thought my mum would fawn over Paul Walker too??
I just saw Ann Nie the other day and we had so much of fun! Ahha can’t wait to see you again, hunJ Now, this post I really have no idea what to write but since my friends were talking about love the other day. And I was talking about it to Kiwi the other day as well. It made me realize that we are pretty similar in a lot of ways. Somehow, we still hold onto that hope that somewhere, someday we will meet that person. The One. The one who would be so perfect for you, you just want to put down roots, throw the anchor down and never leave your spot. The one, where in the early stages of being in love, you plot with your friends over the phone how to kill of love rivals by throwing them to the sharks or whatnot. The one that makes your heart beat a little faster at the thought of seeing them and whatnot.
I can’t say for sure what the definition of love actually is. Heck, can anyone ever really? All I know is, during the early stages, the mere thought of seeing you and talking to you brightened up my day. It made me so nervous, wondering if I was going to slip up and say something stupid. It made me want to be so perfect for you, so you would never have complaints and when I slipped up and showed a side of me to you that I didn’t want you to see, I would beat myself up. Then, it progressed to me being a little more comfortable with you but then jealousy flared out of control. I couldn’t see the imperfections within you. I could only see the good side of everything in you and it was magnified by a hundred times. Hence, I wasn’t able to fathom other girls seeing you as sojust a friend. And when you speak to someone else and we’re going through a rough patch, I get mad. I get unreasonably mad and jealous as heck. I want you. I want you so much it hurts when I think of you wanting someone else with the same intensity.
I can’t wait to get up to see you. Then, you got to really know me. We started spending time, in fact almost everyday and I felt so close to you when we started sharing our problems. About how we really feel about things and people and how we should react and our views. Then, the insecure feeling began kicking in. I was insecure that this would slip through my fingers. This state of relationship we now had. When you cancel something, I get upset, when we don’t really talk for a few days, I get sad because I keep thinking the good things aren’t going to last. I keep thinking he’s moving away now, he’s distancing himself. Then, I get moody which makes things even worse.
And now, after much ups and downs, debits and credits, I’m now in a very comfortable and contented place. And it’s all because of you. Because of what you say, what you do, what you’re willing to do I know I can find assurance in you. That we have a good relationship as friends. Yes, yes friends for him. I know I’m secure with the fact he cares for me. He really does. That’s why those jealous feelings and whatnot although are still there slightly. I don’t really feel it anymore. I no longer feel insecure. I feel content and safe and happy in his presence even if we’re doing something so simple like sitting down, or lying down, talking. And I feel, I could live my life like this for the rest of my life. I feel comforted at the mere image of him, of his surroundings, room and whatnot. I once read this phrase, Loving you gives me confidence for I am confident in giving everything and trying hard every day to make you happy.
And for the first time in my life, when I hear about how you really feel, all your fears and all your worries, I listen in silence and I actually feel tears welling up in my eyes. Even when I turn away and cry, not wanting you to see how upset I am, I take comfort in knowing you’re still there for me. You’re still listening to my problems and you feel so helpless you can’t help me. You made me realize we all have our bad and good days. Nothing can run smoothly forever. It makes me want to hug you every time I see you down. It makes me want to banish every fear and give you all the happiness in the world. Even when I’m out, I think of how to give you a pleasant surprise. I get so angry at the people who insult you, I feel protective towards you when I learn that someone else has caused you pain. You make me speak my mind. You make me want to show you all my sides and you give me reassurance that I am still accepted for who I am. You never judge me, you never complain, you only look at me with those eyes and I just know I’m content here by your side.
Yet, it never erases that slight skip my heart feels at the thought of meeting you later. At the thought of seeing you, I have a silly grin on my face and after knowing you for some time, I still replay scenes in my head. And I know that I will try my best to get through to you. I’ve already tried so hard to break your wall that when I finally did, I wanted to collapse with exhaustion and cry for succeeding. I wanted to jump for all the world to see. And each time I feel you closing up again, no matter how upset or exhausted I am, I know I’ll find the strength to keep knocking your wall down. You put it up once, I’ll knock it down again and again. You make me greet you with a smile on my face each day. And you make me so relieved and grateful to have met you. To have gotten to known you and I know I can’t let go. It’s this feeling inside you that you know you would do just about anything to make him happy and safe. The way your grin practically brightens my day and replays in my head over and over again. The way you never make me feel stupid when I dare to tell you I don’t know and find it insanely comforting to hear you explain things. The way you show me your vulnerable and affectionate side. The way you make me appreciate every second with you and making everything else seem mroe alive and beautiful when I'm with you. For making me not care where I am as long as I'm with you.
So yes, I may not know what the definition of love is but I do think the way I feel cuts pretty darn close to it don’t you think? And tank you to all my friends who’ve stuck with me through all my ups and downs and I’m sorry for being so moody at times especially during the earlier stages. And this is when it hits me, Oh. My. God. I really am in love am I not? I love you for who you are, who you aren’t, the way you make me feel, the way you make me want to try so bad so I can be a better person for you, for doing little things that absent-mindedly make me want you, for making me realize no matter what happens, I feel so darn lucky to have met you knowing not everyone finds someone who makes them feel this way. Though I now am aware of your imperfections, they seem so trivial and far away and nothing compares to how I feel. You make me want to dance in the rain and laugh crazily at nothing. Quote of the day : Loving you is the second best thing that has happened in my life. What’s the first? Finding you... So, Kiwi, thank you, for just being there for me to see, for me talk to, for me to think about and most of all, for me to love. Song of the day : Fearless by Taylor Swift and Someone like me by lindsay Price.